


Anobaith

by SixGoldenWings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Case Fic, Gen, M/M, Monster of the Week, Post Season 5, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Temporary Character Death, Trueform Cas, Work In Progress, eventual Dean/Cas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-02-06 18:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1868637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SixGoldenWings/pseuds/SixGoldenWings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I pray to the angel Castiel, please, turn around and stop me. You've got to be listening right? Please tell me you're listening.' The slim shoulders in front of his eyes didn't even twitch. A solid weight fell into Dean's stomach, this wasn't good. 'I don't know what's going on Cas, but you have to turn around.. I need your help. Cas.. Please.. '</p><p>A regular hunt turns out to be not so regular.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Silently Screaming

Dean had thought of nothing except the satisfaction of ridding the world of one more son of a bitch monster as it's dark blood had speckled his hands and face, he had lifted a soiled hand and wiped that crap off him like it was crumbs from one delicious pie. He and Sam had shared a shaky smirk and nod, a job well done, another creature no longer capable of preying on the human contingency of the town they were staying in. Getting to his feet, the elder hunter had offered a hand to his little brother, brushing the dust that had gathered in the fight off the taller man's shoulders as a cover for checking for injuries. Just because the giant was now as accomplished as Dean was at hunting, it didn't stop him worrying. It was one of his many duties, being the older sibling, it was habit, drilled into him since before he could care to remember. 

Sam, of course, had waved off his fussing and grimaced at the mess that was Dean's face before heading out to the impala. The green eyed man had followed suit after a private little smile of his own. It was good to be back to hunting, to be back on the road with the man he had sacrificed his childhood for, literally his life and soul for. Sliding into the driver's seat, Dean allowed his hands to trail over the steering wheel before lifting his shirt and cleaning the rest of the gunk off his face with the material. The last thing they needed was to be pulled over by the cops. Just get back to the motel, have a relaxing boiling hot shower, a beer to celebrate and then collapse into the lumpy mattress. A perfect night if you asked him. 

The well loved engine of the impala purred into life as the key was turned, the guitar riff of 'Seek and Destroy' picked up right where it had left off when they had arrived, feeling like a reward, like his baby herself were congratulating them on returning safe. Well rehearsed fingers tapped out the drum beat like it was the one thing they were made for before shifting into gear and pulling off. The younger Winchester had rolled his darker eyes at his brother's jubilant nature concerning their latest victory, settling his chair back to leave Dean to enjoy his moment. 

The night proceeded to conform to Dean's plan, ending with a heartfelt 'Night Sammy' followed by a mumbled 'Mhm Dean..' or something to that affect before falling into a peaceful and well earned sleep. He woke up three and a half hours later to the sensation of being watched, automatically his hand reached under the pillow, fingers curling around the comforting weight of the gun before a very familiar voice broke the silence. 

"That won't be necessary Dean." 

"Cas?" Dean grumbled, voice-box apparently not keeping up with the alertness of his mind. Green eyes blinked open and stared at the bedside alarm clock, it's harsh red display reading four forty five. "Are you freakin' kidding me right now?" The hunter sat up, rubbing a palm over his face to try to jostle himself awake. Glaring into the darkness at the angel's silhouette over his fingers seemed to have little effect though. "How'd you even find us?" the confused words tumbled from still drowsy lips. Dean had been sure that the sigils carved into his ribs courtesy of said angel would keep them off the radar, even for Castiel. 

"Your brother prays every night and let's me know where you are should I be needed." Though the hunter could not see the creature's eyes, he was pretty sure the damn things were studying him. 

"Yeah, that's all good Cas, but I don't remember sending out any distress signals." Dean fought with his agitation at being woken, keeping his voice low to avoid waking his brother still sleeping in the next bed. The poor kid needed his beauty sleep with a face like that. Castiel's shadowy body showed no signs of being impressed or intimidated by the Winchester's grumpy self, though maybe that had something to do with Dean's state of undress, an old t-shirt and boxer shorts to cover his modesty and the bed sheets entangled with his legs. 

The angel took a step closer, seemingly now aware that Dean wanted to keep this conversation quiet for Sam's sake. "I am.. In need of your.. assistance." Castiel was leaning way into the human's personal space now, even in the dark it was easy to make out the familiar crease of the vessel's brow, the slightly narrowed eyes, as if the angel was wondering how Dean could take so long to come to the conclusion that maybe Castiel needed them for a change. 

Dean's fingers pulled at his bottom lip as he dragged his hand away from his face, it wasn't as if the hunter never thought that the angel required their help, just that maybe, after spending so much time with the Winchesters in the past, that he was unable to ask for it, adopting their not very successful motto of 'Deal with it on your own or die trying. Don't risk anyone else'. It was oddly comforting that the angel had decided to not follow that particular habit of his family, at least not this time, hey it was progress.

Pushing the covers away from his body, the hunter stood, careful to avoid bumping into Castiel as the angel straightened back up. Dean searched in the dim light for his holdall, taking out the first things that had felt like a shirt and jeans respectively. Sam stirred on the other bed, blearily blinking up at the two shadowy figures standing at Dean's bed. A gangly arm reached over and swatted on the bedside lamp, bathing them all in a light which made both the humans blink miserably, but the angel continued to stare. 

"Wass going on?" The younger brother asked, raising himself up into a sitting position and brushing long locks out of his eyes. Dean had frozen, jeans haphazardly bundled into his arms, Castiel regarding both of them with a hint of impatience. Dean unfroze   
and rearranged the clothes in his grasp, throwing a lopsided smile Sam's way. 

"S'okay Sleeping Beauty, Cas just needed help with something, won't be gone long. Shouldn't need both of us should it, Cas?" Dean turned to Castiel, who tilted in head in that way that meant he was assessing the situation. Blue eyes ran over the elder brother's body and then came to settle on Sam, like he hadn't considered the idea of leaving one of them behind. 

"One of you should be.. sufficient." Castiel had noted that Dean hadn't wanted to get his brother involved, even without knowing the risks, or perhaps the elder hunter was being his usual aggravating self and deciding that he would be able to take on the problem alone. 

"Just, give me a minute, all right?" Dean had said, drawing the angel's attention away from Sam for a brief moment as he struggled with his clothing. Castiel's gaze returned to Sam, who was obviously uncomfortable with the scrutiny, not that that was the angel's intent. He just seemed to have that effect on people, even ones as familiar with him as Sam Winchester was. 

"Yeah, okay, just be careful?" the words had come out as concerned as ever but his eyes had promised pain to both of the room's other occupants should they come back in anything less than perfect health. Castiel nodded his understanding while Dean shoved his feet back into his boots and picked up his cell phone. 

"Right, be back before you know it Sammy, we'll even pick up breakfast." The smile was reassuring, but the wink was pushing it before the elder brother nodded at Castiel as a signal that he was ready to go, within a blink and accompanied by the sound of ruffled feathers Sam was left alone in the room, turning the light off and his body around to head back to sleep with a sigh. 

\----

Elsewhere, the angel and his human charge re-emerged into existence, Dean automatically covering his midriff with a forearm, still not a fan of the angel's preferred method of travel. The hunter looked up after a few seconds and surveyed their surroundings. It was a clearing in some woods, okay, not what the man was expecting. There didn't seem to be any obvious trouble around here, even for someone with his expertise. 

"Okay Cas, so what's going on? Why'd you need me?" Green eyes turned to the angel after another sweep of the area around them, meeting blue eyes with a hint of concern. Castiel reached out with hands that had once belonged to Jimmy Novak, covering the hunter's palms with his own. Before Dean could even register the need to protest at the contact between them, the sensation of cool metal graced his palm. When Castiel pulled away once more, the hunter looked down at the angel blade in his grasp, immediately the man with lighter hair turned a confused gaze onto the angel, expecting an explanation and fast. 

"I am to meet some of my brothers here, they said they wished to talk only, but I do not trust them. They will not be able to sense you and I trust you to.." the words didn't come easily, as whenever Castiel had tried a new, learned phrase from the brothers. "Watch my back." The sentiment made Dean falter for a second, the unexpected and unfamiliar pride in himself for holding the angel's trust throwing him for a loop. 

The hunter's protective instinct kicked in almost immediately afterwards, placing his free hand on the angel's shoulder he shot his friend a smile. "Yeah, no problem. I got you." the corners of his eyes crinkled warmly as their eyes met before Dean moved away, heading to hide out among the trees. How the other angels weren't meant to spot the human among the foliage was something that was beyond him, but if it helped give Castiel the angel equivalent of peace of mind then Dean was happy to play along. 

They sat separated in the quiet woods for another half an hour before the tell tale sound of wings filled the air. Three other angels appeared, all with their blades drawn, surrounding Castiel and forcing him to circle around until his back was to the Winchester. Dean considered moving to get a better vantage point on the strangers and to be able to maybe hear the conversation they were having, but though his angel seemed tense and defensive, no one moved to attack. So he stood his ground, waiting a little thankfully for the confrontation to be over. Though he had no fear of going against angels in a fight, he'd been on more than his fair share of angel delivered beat-downs in the last few years. 

The unfamiliar angels disappeared as quickly as they had arrived, Castiel visibly relaxing after his siblings had left. A breath Dean didn't know he was holding escaped in relief, glad the angel seemed to be okay. The hunter moved, ready to join back up with his companion, pat the angel on the back and tell him he did good. Dean lost his footing on the morning damp earth, blackness consuming his vision for the briefest of moments before he regained his balance.   
The cuff of the dark blond's shirt scuffed against a tree trunk as he pushed away, calling to the angel as he took a step into the clearing. 'Cas! Hey that was-' but the scruffy if well loved coat covered man didn't turn to greet him. That was fine, still probably a little shaken up, so Dean tried again. 'Hey Cas, How'd it go?' but still there was no sign that the angel had even heard him. Perhaps the conversation with his brothers had disturbed him more than the hunter had originally thought. 

'Cas? Hey, look at me, c'mon buddy..' It couldn't be that bad, right? Though the way the celestial being possessing a human vessel seemed to ignore him, maybe that wasn't the right train of thought. 'Ca-' and that was when it hit him. He could hear himself talking, but no actual sound was escaping, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't even open his lips. Panic overtook him quickly and he attempted to come to a stop, to do anything to alert Castiel of the bind he had somehow gotten himself into. 

The hunter's feet didn't listen to his commands to stop, continuing toward Castiel's back with a determined pace. Dean's mind raced, what could have caused this? He couldn't have been possessed by a demon, the only angel who wanted his body was still stuck down the pit with his dick of a brother. So witch? Maybe, but shouldn't Cas be able to detect shit like that? Trying to calm the racing thoughts, the hunter took a deep mental breath. You didn't have to speak to be able to pray, right?

'I pray to the angel Castiel, please, turn around and stop me. You've got to be listening right? Please tell me you're listening.' The slim shoulders in front of his eyes didn't even twitch. A solid weight fell into Dean's stomach, this wasn't good. 'I don't know what's going on Cas, but you have to turn around.. I need your help. Cas.. Please.. ' his voice sounded pathetic in his head, but he was aware that no sound reached his ears. Why the hell couldn't he say anything? What was going on?

Dean was vaguely aware of his grip tightening around the angel blade in his hand, holding it threateningly, but he couldn't even force his head to look down to confirm the sensation. The panic swelled up in his chest again, threatening to overwhelm him. He couldn't be, surely? No, he wouldn't let this happen. Green eyes darted nervously in their sockets, unable to communicate anything or do much as he approached his friend's back. He tried digging his heels into the ground as he grew closer to the dark haired creature, but it did nothing. 

'Cas.. Please.. God damn it, Someone, Michael, anyone! Just stop me.. Please! Stop me!' he tried to pull back, force his body away, force it to stop moving but no matter how much he struggled the damn thing wasn't responding. Not even a hesitation. Memories assaulted him then, begging his Azazel possessed father not to kill him, screaming at Bobby not to do it, Sam telling him everything would be okay. People had fought possession for him. Hell, his brother had forced down the devil himself to save him, but Dean couldn't manage one single thing for his angel? 

The one who had gripped him tight and pulled him from the pit, rebuilt his body, rebelled against heaven itself for him and humanity in general. The angel who had stood by his side for years and even died for him, repeatedly, but to repay him for that faith and loyalty, the human couldn't break whatever the hell this thing was. Shame curled into his gut, of course he couldn't. He wasn't as strong or brave as his father, he wasn't as well meaning and protective as Bobby, he wasn't as emotionally strong as Sam.   
He was nothing compared to them, he didn't measure up on any term. Dean was the man who went to hell for a mere forty years and resorted to torturing other souls. He'd even enjoyed it. How could he compare himself to them? They had messed up, sure, every one of them, but they were still good men at the core. Dean, Dean was rotten from the soul up. He tried to be a good man, a righteous man, but that would never change that the only thing he was good at was killing things. The angel in front of him had thought so much more though, had put his faith and fate in Dean's hands more than once and was still standing beside him despite all the mistakes that the human had made. 

Fluid was building in his eye sockets, falling without his permission as he was assaulted by the memories and the realization that he just wasn't strong enough. 'I can't... I can't stop it..' he mentally pleaded with Castiel's back to turn and just stop this, smite him with everything the angel had, burn out his eyes, burn out his soul. It didn't matter, just stop it. He watched in horror as his traitorous arm lifted, stabbing the blade through the dirty coat and into the vessel's back. 'I'm so sorry, Cas..' The angel tensed briefly, light spilling from his form as Dean's arms wrapped around the slightly slimmer waist, angel blade dropped and forgotten now that it's job was done. 

Breath rushed into the hunter's lungs in a sob as control of his body was handed back over to him. Jimmy's empty body now a dead and sudden weight in his arms, Dean, fell to his knees to support him, but it was too late. 'I've failed you..' Though his body was again his to control, it seemed like his voice didn't want to co-operate, or perhaps he didn't want to say these things out loud. '..I can't save anyone...' Head falling forward, dark blond hair rested on Castiel's prone forehead, the blue eyes open and lifeless as Dean's tears bled down onto the former angel's face. 

"I'm sorry.." The Winchester's voice was quiet but still filled the silence around them. Words still went unspoken. 'I'm sorry I failed you, I'm sorry you fell for me, I'm sorry I'm not the man you thought I was. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust. I'm sorry I couldn't do what the rest of my- ' and so many others. The human tightened his grip around what now was only a corpse in pure grief. He had ruined and killed the only angel that was on his side. He was no righteous man, he barely had the right to call himself a man full stop. Dean's chest heaved in barely contained sobs. "God, I'm sorry..." 

Minutes, hours, he didn't know how much time had passed since he had collapsed in the clearing with Jimmy's body in his grasp, but the sun was bright above them when he finally lifted reddened eyes from the collar of the angel's trademark overcoat. The sun was mocking him, he was sure of it. Couldn't it have rained or something? Peeling himself away from the still body Dean drew himself back onto his feet laying the still now empty form on the ground. 

It was only then he noticed the black outline of wings that had spread from Castiel's shoulders and burnt into the grass around them. They were stunning, if a little twisted, the odd feather depicted at an odd angle. There were tears and some of the feathers were even faded. Green eyes filed away the image, imprinting every detail into his guilt addled mind. This deserved to be remembered, this betrayal, he deserved to be reminded of it. But there was something wrong with the image in front of him. He traced it again, from the tips of the uppermost feather on the left wing, right to the gap before the angel's shoulders. 

The wings didn't connect to Jimmy's body. That wasn't right, the angels that he had seen killed before, the shadows of the appendages had sprouted from their shoulders and marked the area around them. But Cas hadn't died on the ground, had he? He hadn't been laid to rest on the floor. Closing his eyes Dean took a breath and looked down opening his eyes to see the mark of blackened feathers crossing over his shirt, just above his heart. 

\----

The cellphone Dean had forgotten he had brought with him rang then. Cutting through the silence like a knife across the hunter's throat. Bringing the device to his ear, he cut off whatever Sam was going to say, probably something about not being back yet, but that didn't matter right now. Castiel and Jimmy both deserved a funeral, anything else could wait.

Dean carried his guilt with him for the hour it took to find anything he could use to pinpoint his position, calling Sam back to let him know exactly where to find him. They didn't speak the entire time as they dug the grave and laid their friend to rest. No words were shared even on the way back to their motel, Sam just stared at him with that puppy dog look, the one that was meant to let him know it was okay, that he'd be there to listen to the story when Dean was ready to tell it. But he wasn't up for it. Not today, possibly not ever.

So the elder brother entered the bathroom alone and without a single syllable uttered to Sam about the day's events. The shower was blistering hot and he stood under it for at least twenty minutes, idly scrubbing at his body with his eyes closed, trying to do something to numb the guilt. After a while he started to get angry at himself, for his inaction. For his inability to save one of the only people who had ever had any faith in him. He slammed the controls on the shower to shut the thing off with far more force than necessary, once, twice, three times in frustration. 

Dean could hear his brother get up and contemplate checking on him in the resulting silence, but it seemed Sam had thought better of it after all. The green eyed brother wiped the steam from the mirror with his forearm, he wanted to look the man that had killed the angel who trusted him in the eye. He wanted to see it, to feel the weight of his own glare directed at him, before he at least attempted to figure out why and how this had happened. 

That was his intent anyway, but something dark caught his gaze and he stared at his slightly changed reflection, still blurred from the streaks on the glass. But the marks were unmistakable, feathers.. fucking feathers. The wings that were missing from Jimmy's prone form, they had marked him. Dean lifted a hand to trace over the outline of their image, watching with fascination as he padded through the anti demon possession tattoo on his chest, the wings leading him up to brush against the angelic hand print that was scarred into his arm.

"For fuck's sake Cas.." the hunter swallowed, trying to push down the emotions that were whirling around his head and through his body, he could already feel the gap where Castiel's presence should be, it felt wrong. His body leaned forward harshly, his forehead connecting with the glass and shattering it. Blinking, the elder brother saw blood dripping down the fractured surface, over the many images of his own bloodshot eyes. 

"...I miss you."


	2. Gutters to the Stars

A week went by and Dean barely spoke a word, not to Sam, not even to the pretty waitresses in the diners they stopped by in, he had explained what had happened in tight, short sentences on the second day, if only to stop the concerned looks Sam was giving him. They'd tried every test, they'd found hoodoo priests, psychics, everything they could think of and not one of them indicated that anything was wrong with the oldest hunter, or that anything had possessed him. By all rights, Dean had murdered Castiel.

After a while it started to kind of made sense to him, it was just another thing he couldn't deal with. Having that trust, that respect, from something as powerful as an angel? Dean didn't deserve it, of course he'd destroy it, he'd been doing that from day one right? Maybe he'd buried the urge, repressed it, but then Castiel had shown faith in him, trusted him to have the angel's back and that was his subconscious' last straw, it had taken out the threat, made sure Dean couldn't betray him by killing him.  
He was just righting the wrong, taking the angel out of the equation before he had truly felt that he might've deserved a friend, wanted one, kept one all to himself. It made a kind of messed up sense, Dean knew he what he was capable of, deep down. What he deserved, what he needed and Castiel was just foolish enough to try and convince him otherwise. The guilt had slowly settled in his throat, cloying around his vocal cords, weighing him down where he belonged and strangling any words before they managed to make it to his tongue.

Sam though, Sam hadn't given up, Sam still had the stupid idea that Dean was good, that Dean couldn't do that, that his big brother was something other than the monster he thought he was. So he had dragged Dean cross country, driving for most of it without so much as a whispered protest. He had made sure that Dean had something in his stomach other than the liquor he automatically reached for and drank like a automaton, he attempted to approach the subject, made sure that he at least lie in bed for a few hours every night, even if he refused to sleep.

Dean's words were few and far between but occasionally he'd get a "Thanks, Sammy" or a "I can look after myself, you shouldn't-" for his trouble and it gave him a sense that maybe Dean hadn't given up. Eventually Sam had decided that maybe a hunt would get Dean to concentrate on something other than the middle distance for more than a minute and got to researching. By ten a.m. on the eighth day he'd found something, he still trusted Dean that when things were bad, his big brother would come through, would be himself again.

"So I found a case." he began, turning his laptop screen toward his slumped brother, he hadn't had a drink yet today, which was good, but he was staring at the blank television, not even deeming to look up at the sound of Sam's voice.

"Hm..?" there was barely a twitch in his expression and he didn't even blink, just continued to stare at whatever it was beyond the walls that he felt he could see. Sam sighed and stood, walking over to his brother's side.

"Dean." Green eyes finally lifted at that, his brother calling for him seemed to be one of the only things that would always garnish a reaction from him. A large hand draped itself on Dean's shoulder, Sam kneeling to be even with him once again. The elder brother couldn't look Sam in the eye, his gaze fixed to the corner of his lips as he spoke again.

"Dean, we've got a case, think you can manage it?" Sam's tone was sympathetic, kind, caring, not at all what Dean needed to hear and his brow furrowed in response to it. Of course he could manage it! Killing things was all he was good for, Sam would probably have to take the lead on the whole interacting with people thing, because he just wasn't up for that part, but the hunt? That he could do. He could feel his pulse pick up at the idea of letting some of this guilt out. He'd never been all that good with words but he could definitely express himself with actions.

Sam was still tense, his grip flexing on Dean's shoulder, maybe he had miscalculated. It was still too early to do this, his brother had just lost his best friend, one of the only other beings that Dean had let himself love. Whether it was platonic or romantic or neither didn't matter, Sam knew Dean needed Cas and that much was obvious. Like a button was pressed or a switch was flipped, the elder hunter stood suddenly, shrugging off Sam's comforting touch. His eyes were dull but he still plastered on a smile, clapping his hands together to break the mood that had fallen upon them.

"What are we waiting for? Let's go gank some son of a bitch!"

"Dean..-" Sam decided to start, lifting his hand to try and stop him, this was going to be a bad idea, they hadn't even talked properly since the day Castiel d-left.

"What?" the look that Dean sent him stopped Sam in his tracks. Sam had wanted them to hunt, wanted to try and get them back to normal and Dean was willing to give it a shot, so maybe he should just shut up, hope this gave them something to work on, something to talk about once Dean didn't feel quite as broken as he looked.

"..It's.. nevermind." The younger brother attempted an encouraging smile and let his hand drop, Dean walking straight by him to pick the keys from the table. They folded themselves into the impala, the engine revved to life with Dean back behind the wheel, tape in, music up and windows down as they pulled away.

\-----

It only took two hours of Dean's incessantly happy, off-pitched singing to grind on Sam's final nerve. It was fine to try and pretend that everything would be okay, that they could get past this, but to completely ignore everything that had happened? Especially when it so obviously pained Dean to do so, that wasn't something that Sam was willing to let go. They had to talk about this before both of them got any worse. Dean wasn't the only one to lose something. Sam had lost a friend too and a good deal of his brother along with it.

They pulled into a gas station a few miles further down the road. Both brothers getting out to stretch their legs, the elder brother still tapping his foot along with the song that had paused as the key had been removed. Sam crossed his arms over the top of the impala and watched his brother closely, noting that he didn't even glance in his direction, just carried on as if everything was normal. He could basically see Dean trying to bury all the shit with flat out denial.

"Look, Dean.." he started, leaning further across the car to try and close the gap between them without scaring the elder hunter off.

"Don't Sam." The forced cheery look on Dean's face had fallen, but he was still tapping his foot to an imaginary beat. He was trying so hard to be the hunter he was supposed to be, why couldn't Sam just leave it? Maybe he would burn himself out, whatever, he could do this, why wouldn't Sammy let him do this for just a few days, just enough time for the biggest feelings to be pushed aside. So he could let the little things eat at him for the rest of time, it would be fine if Sam just let it.

"No, don't you "Don't Sam" me! You want to go on a hunt? Sure, we'll do it Dean, we will, but don't try that fake crap with me okay? I know you, I know you're hurting-" Dean shot his brother with a glare for that, the sheer force of it, making his speech stumble for a second. "You are! And we can deal with it!" Sam's gargantuan hands left the metal of the car, gesticulating in the space between them. The younger brother took a visible breath, hands resting back against the car to try and steady him.

"We can, but you can't just cut me out okay? Cas and you? Yeah I get it, I know how much you-" There was another warning look as Dean put the gas nozzle back into place, Sam pulled his fingers through his hair in frustration, trying to word this right. "you, you cared for him. I get it Dean, really, but you don't have to deal with it on your own." Silence met the end of his rant, Dean's foot at least had stopped bouncing and he was silently going through the motions of getting his wallet out to pay.  
Sam, not willing to let it drop until Dean had said something to confirm that they would talk about this, followed dutifully. Watched his brother mutely nod toward the impala and push a few bills over the counter to pay. He waited until they were walking back out of the door to say something, trying to not let Dean's blatant attempt to ignore him put him off.

"I lost him too, Dean." the taller brother mumbled, knowing it probably wasn't the best thing to say, but he had to say it. Dean wasn't the only one hurting here, anything they could do to help each other, that had to be said, to be brought out into the open. Dean had frozen in front of him, his shoulders hunched and his hands curled into fists. Sam made the mistake of blinking and suddenly his back was pressed against the brickwork of the station, Dean's hands fisted in his shirt so hard he could practically hear the seams strain against the grip.

Sam opened his mouth, maybe to say something, maybe to talk him down but Dean shoved the larger man again, for once staring right into his eyes with a fierce amount of anger. "I didn't lose him, Sam. I didn't fucking misplace him." the words were unhurried and quiet compared to the amount of tension in his body. "You didn't fucking kill him." barely audible the whisper came and then he was gone, walking back over to the impala, leaving Sam to stare at his back.

\-----

They didn't speak for the next three hours of the drive, there was no noise, not even the music that usually drowned out any attempt of conversation. Just the hum of the engine, Dean for once constantly concentrating on the road. There was still a few hours left of daylight and the tension was still palpable in the confines of the car. Dean decided somewhere along the way to take a break, maybe to try and work through his aggression before continuing, but Sam was thankful for the respite.

They both left the car, heading in separate directions just to give themselves some space. They weren't kids anymore, this wouldn't be over with a playful punch or a mumbled sorry. This, this they had to work through. Dean kicked at the rubble on the floor, watching the stones tumble before coming to rest. His eyes worked over the vista in front of him, the river passing steadily not giving a shit about the Winchesters' situation, much like the rest of the damn world.

He knew he should apologize to Sam for snapping like that, he was right, Cas might have been his, his, something, but he was Sam's friend too. He'd taken away the one angel that Sam still had faith in. He'd done that. Sam used to believe in God, in angels, in all that shit, now he only had Cas, no matter how much he tried to trust the others, he only had Cas. And Dean, he had taken him away from them both.

They spent only fifteen minutes apart, but the chasm hadn't gotten any smaller. Sam had disappeared to the other side of the road when they had separated and Dean had waited patiently by the impala's door for him to return. When he saw his little brother reappear on the other side of the road, he gave him a smile, wanting him to know that an apology was waiting for him on the other side.

Sam checked for traffic and then took a step into the road, a smile tugging at his lips. Yeah they could do this, they could pass this, work through it, together. Like they always did. But then Sam's eyes widened in fear, confusion gripping Dean's heart at the look. Then he heard it, the screech of tires, the thud of a body. He saw it too, the car literally came out of no where. He didn't hear it before, too focused on his brother, who was now rolling off the other end of the car, his long limbs broken and already bloody. There was a scream too, or maybe several? He couldn't tell.

\----

Not thinking, Dean ran out into the road and to his brother, taking the young man's face in his hands. "Sammy! Sam! Look at me! Look at me! C'mon!" but Sam's eyes were closed, he wasn't responding.

"Sam! Please! Come on! Look at me! Open your eyes Sammy.." Dean buried his head next to Sam's long hair, trying to feel a breath, a pulse, something, but nothing was there. "Please Sam.. I got you, just open your eyes for me.. We can fix this.." Something was happening beside him, but he couldn't drag his eyes away, couldn't feel his shaking hands and the tears that were falling without him registering what was happening.

"Sam..? No, no, no! Not like this! Please Sam, just give me something!" his fingers tugged at his brother's hair before smoothing out his features. "Can you hear me Sam? We'll get you some help. It'll be okay Sammy, I've got you.." Dean wasn't sure if he was even forming words, his entire being focused on trying to feel a pulse, a little snap of hope, that's all he wanted. If Sam's heart was still beating, it would be okay, they could do it. Surely someone somewhere owed him that much.  
His gaze flitted around Sam's face, desperately trying to find any sign of life. "Sam?..Come on little brother.. Please just breathe, don't leave me Sammy, don't you leave me.." his brother's features were blurring through his tears, his hand continually smoothing through the long hair, "I'm sorry Sam.. please don't be dead.." his breath hitched and he forced himself to blink before the world came back into focus.

"Oh god I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry! Is he okay? Please tell me he's okay! Are you alright? Sir? Sir? Is he breathing? I don't know what happened, I just turned to quiet the baby, I swear I was only turned away for a second! I didn't see him! Is he alright?" Dean didn't hear one word the woman was babbling hysterically, just noise and anger swelled up in him. He gently put Sam's head back down to the tarmac, shaking fingers brushing against the cold clammy skin. Sam was gone, Sam had left, this, whatever the hell this was near him had taken his baby brother away and he knew from experience, no angel, demon or otherwise would bring him back, not this time. Now he had no use to the fucking sadistic universe.

Slowly but fluidly Dean rose to his feet and reached behind him for the gun he knew he kept holstered there, un-clipping it, there wasn't a thought in his head as he brought the gun around, thumbing the safety off as his other hand came around to balance his grip. The woman was struck still and silent, her dark eyes widening considerably before Dean squeezed the trigger, over and over into the woman's body until mute clicks kept reverberating through the resulting silence.

Dean wasn't sure that he was breathing as he lowered the firearm to step up to the woman's body. He'd killed her, a human woman, he'd shot her repeatedly, she was dead. She'd made a mistake and she was dead. Panic gripped him, this was too far, what the hell had he done? What happened? When did he? What had he.. He dropped the gun and dropped to his knees, trying to feel for a pulse despite the fact he knew he wouldn't find one. Slowly and shakily he got to his feet, looking at the car with wide eyes and being met with a similar look. A young girl, maybe five? Four? Was staring at him a baby clutched in her grasp. Neither of them were crying but the fear was clear in both of their expressions.

Dean took a few steps back, unsure what to do. Not sure why he'd done it. _/See, now this is why I like you/_ a voice called out from his subconscious, nasally, pitched just right to make Dean shiver. Alastair. _/Azazel, he could keep your precious little Sammy. He needed to twist him, corrupt him, but you, Dean? You're something special, just look at what you did/_. The hunter grasped onto his cellphone, his heart beating erratically as he dialed nine one one and dropped the thing to the floor. They'd be here soon, they'd find them, help them, get them somewhere safe, somewhere far away from him.

 _/no need to corrupt, to taint, because this, this is what you are, what you've always been, my wonderful student/_. He fumbled for the keys and dove into the car, pulling the door shut even as he started to hyperventilate. He needed to get out of here, get away before he could do more damage. He shifted baby into drive harshly and pulled away, tires screeching before finding traction and catapulting him onto the road.

\----

"Dean! Dean wake up! Dean!" Sam shook his brother once more as his body seemed to go into some kind of fit, his breathing was harsher than it was before and his body kept twitching, pained gasps leaving his throat and his eyes looking at nothing.

They'd ganked the thing, it was over and Sam had gone to see if the creature still had any live victims. Unfortunately he couldn't find any and when he had returned, Dean had been on the floor, eyes wide open and small convulsions quaking his body. That was almost an hour ago now and Dean had showed no sign of waking up, scared and with no clue of what else to do, the younger brother stood and tilted his head up to the heavens.

"I pray to the angel Castiel, please Cas, something's happening and I don't know.. Dean's in trouble. Please get here as soon as you can"

He just didn't understand it, Dean had never shown any signs of epilepsy or anything like that, so curse? Sam growled, entangling his fingers into his hair and pulling roughly. This is what happens when you don't research the damn monster, just happen to come across it. His brother could be dying and there's nothing he can do.

"Cas! Please! Hurry!" He crouched down near Dean again, trying to see any hint of recognition in the glassy green eyes. The familiar sound of wings set alight a new fire of hope as he spun around.

"Sam, you called." It wasn't a question, just a simple statement before the angel looked down and saw exactly what Sam had prayed for. Castiel moved forward quickly, moving their hand over Dean's unseeing eyes.

"What were you hunting Sam?" The angel had asked, fingers dropping to Dean's chest as he concentrated, brow furrowed. Dean shook momentarily, blood seeping from his nostrils.

"I don't know, we weren't looking for anything, but-shit! This thing, it must've heard of us or something, because it came for us. I don't even know what happened, we killed it and then, next thing I knew.." Sam's words puttered out as he watched Castiel softly brush the blood from Dean's face and bring it to its lips. The angel licked its borrowed thumb and immediately rose, crossing over to the creature's headless body.

The celestial being examined the creature's wounds and the dark liquid it had for blood, drawing a small drop up to test like it had Dean's. A single word escaped from between its lips. "Anobaith.."

Sam blinked. "What?"

"Anobaith.. The most recent known word for these creatures. It's Welsh, it means Despair. Tell me Sam," Castiel drew back to his full height, gaze moving from the taller Winchester to the one currently disabled on the floor. "How long has he been like this?"

"An hour? Just over? What's going on Cas?" The two of them moved together back to Dean's body, Sam checked Dean's pulse to find it racing, struggling to keep pace.

"Then we don't have much time.. Anobaith use their bodily fluids for hunting and for defense, if anything digests them, it begins to destroy them until they are unable to fight back, it forces the victim to hallucinate." Castiel began to explain, rolling up his sleeves before holding out his hand for Sam to hand over a blade. "They quickly fall into a state of despair and end their own lives.. It's quite ingenious actually" he continued, cutting into borrowed flesh, a white light shone from inside the angel's wrist and he placed it against Dean's mouth calmly. "Their prey and predators take their own lives, leaving an easy meal."

Castiel's wrist remained pressed to Dean's mouth for only a few seconds more before it was pulled away, his other hand's fingers wrapped around the wound. "It's too late." Castiel frowned, leaning down to stare into Dean's unseeing eyes. Though Sam wasn't sure if angels needed breath he could see Castiel's chest swell with a heave. "We need to find a way to break through this before he.."

The angel finally looked up at Sam, trying to communicate the gravity of the situation like the young hunter needed it explaining to him. Dean had never been the most stable person on the planet, always willing to throw his life away, barely keeping it together and this thing, this dead thing was making him do it.

"Do what you can, Cas.. Please." the hunter said quietly, nodding toward his brother

"I intend to Sam.." Castiel attempted a small reassuring smile, but gave up when he noticed that Sam wasn't really paying attention anymore, staring at Dean's heaving chest. Castiel placed his hand over the faded mark on Dean's shoulder and closed his eyes, the wound on his wrist already healed.

"I'm going to attempt to enter Dean's subconscious, please remain quiet." The angel instructed before focusing on Dean's thoughts which were currently in turmoil.

__\----_ _

Dean held the steering wheel with a grip hard enough to split the leather surrounding the steel, he couldn't think of anything past the scared eyes of the children whose mother he shot. _ __/You have such skill/_ __ his tormentor crowed in his head, it was just in his head god damn it. Their mother's blank stare, mouth still and open, ready to scream. _ __/such talent/_. __ His brother's dead body still on the road.  _ _ _/It never needed to be coaxed out of you, that destruction and chaos, you break every, little, thing you touch/_ __ Cas _ _._ _

"Shut up!" He slammed his hands on the wheel, forcing Alastair's sing-song voice out of his head. He couldn't do this, he couldn't live like this.. He'd killed so many, fuck he'd enjoyed most of them, he was a freak.

 ___/That's right, Dean.. You don't belong up there, you should just come home./_ __ Dean shook his head, trying to dislodge the thoughts, but he knew they were right. What had he done since he'd been back from hell other than ruin everything? He shouldn't have come back, if Cas hadn't dragged his ass out of hell, he would be alive right now. His hands fumbled in the box, looking for a tape, any tape, just something to drown out his thoughts.

"I'm sorry baby, I can't leave you alone.. You'll come with me, won't you?" Dean's voice was broken, but he couldn't figure out why. He pressed the tape in and waited for the tunes to start before pushing down on the gas pedal.

 __'__ The Trooper' began playing at full volume, the bass tearing through his thoughts in blessed relief. "You always knew just what I needed Baby.." he lifted a hand from the wheel to pet the dashboard reverently. He smiled, even as the guilt crushed him. It would be better this way. He was a blemish on the world, Sam would be in heaven where he belonged, and where ever Cas was, Dean hoped beyond all hope that he could be happy, but the hunter belonged downstairs.

They weren't his family, but they feared him, respected him, wanted him and he wanted to go back.

 ___**/Dean, you have to listen to me. This isn't real./**_ __ Dean's eyes shot to the side at the sound of the familiar but so very dead voice. The overcoat, suit, dark hair and blue eyes flashed in his vision briefly turning into- was that a sheep?! before they disappeared completely. Dean shook his head, his mind was just playing tricks, one last attempt to save itself like the selfish bastard he was.

___/That's a good boy, one last push.. Come on, step on it, you know I don't like it when you hold out on me../_ _ _

__\----_ _

Castiel snarled as he snapped back into consciousness, making Sam jump back fearfully. "I couldn't reach him. Not like this.." Castiel glared down at his borrowed body for a few seconds, Dean's laboured breathing providing the background noise. Blood was now seeping out of his eyes and ears with every strangled outward breath that splattered the blood from his mouth across Cas' arm.

"Sam, I need you to leave."

"What? No! I'm not going anywh-"

"Sam, I am about to leave my vessel in an attempt to reach your brother and save his life." Blue eyes turned to Sam suddenly, pressing the urgency of the situation. There was panic there, not only for Dean, but for Sam as well. "I. Need. You. To. Leave. Now!"  
Sam swallowed a gulp and nodded, starting to run in the opposite direction, Castiel's voice followed him, already starting to separate. "Run as far as you can! Close your eyes and cover your ears!" As soon as Sam had breached the door and spotted the impala a clear, straight run in front of him, he scrunched his eyes shut and clasped his hands over his ears, running in the direction of the car.

\-----

Dean shifted gears in the impala in time with the riff of The Trooper, moving in time to he music, it seemed only fitting to take him and his baby this way. "I'm sorry girl, but you're with me aren't you? Not quite Thelma and Louise, but together.." he couldn't help the sad smile that graced his features, he had nothing left, this was the only way he wanted to go now and his baby would lead the way, would follow after him, the only remaining member of his family.

"Okay.. Let's do this." The car careened down the road toward a corner, beyond that there was the river and beyond that, well it would be nice to see Tessa again, maybe even Death himself would make an appearance. At least he knew none of his family would be there to see what he became.

His foot pressed the gas pedal to the floor and he turned the wheel harshly in the opposite direction to the corner he was heading toward. He felt the impact of baby hitting the wooden barrier on the side of the road, the car flipped once, twice and Dean had to close his eyes against the dizzying feeling, one hand on still on the wheel as the other braced against the roof. He wouldn't let go of her, he promised he wouldn't leave her and god damn it, if there was only one promise he would get to keep in his shit filled life, it was going to be this one.

The car rocked as it hit the water, spraying against Dean's face, it was a relief really. He'd finally done it, this would be how he died.

 ___**/DEAN!/**_ __ Green eyes snapped out at the cry of his name, at least, that's what he thought it was. Light blinded him but he could make something out, frowning he took his hand from the roof of the impala and his hand was still touching something that wasn't air.

"What the.."

 ___**/This isn't real, I need you to see that, Dean, please, wake up!/**_ __ His eyes shifted, blinking against the light, struggling to see anything recognizable but somehow knowing what or who this was.

"Cas..? You're.."

___**/I'm not dead Dean, I would tell you if I was. Sam is here, with me, I need you to come with me../** _ _ _

The hunter was still confused and suddenly water filled his mouth. Oh yeah, the river, he was dying. One hand still grasped hold of the wheel of the impala but the other flailed, fingers twisting into what could only be described as living light.

\----

A few steps into his run Sam's feet left the the ground from the sheer force of the power behind him. He struggled to keep his hands over his ears as he tumbled through the air. His breath was forced out of him as he slammed into what he could only guess was the impala, still keep his eyes and ears as protected as he could, the showering of glass falling on him confirming it was the car he had hit.

He groaned in protest but kept everything as clamped shut as he could, curling into a ball until he no longer felt the world shaking.

\-----

The world shifted and suddenly Dean was up, sucking air into his lungs before he coughed out water, he lifted his hand to wipe viscous liquid from his eyes, noting as he pulled away that it was blood. He frowned and looked up, still reeling from the change of situation. The light was still there, around him, above him, but now he could definitely see something in there.

"Cas..?" His voice was still broken, it hurt to speak, but he could see Castiel and it wasn't the man in the suit and coat he'd come to know, it was a creature so large it had to remain hunched to enable it to watch his face. Several eyes studied him, each head tilting toward him with keen interest. The hunter could see large feathers in his peripheral vision but couldn't turn his head to see them properly as a large, human shaped head bowed into his personal space.

The were no other features on this face, just eyes, so many eyes and yet he heard it. The words he had begged to hear for well over a week.

 **"Hello Dean.."** God, he sounded happy? How did that even work? How could Dean hear him?

"Heh.. Hey Cas.." He reached up and touched the side of the cheek he could barely comprehend. "Uh, am I dead?"

He could feel the angel chuckle, sure he could even feel the ground vibrate with it. **"No, Dean, you are not dead."**

Dean wasn't sure what he was touching, but he as glad for the lack of instant death. "Well, that's good I guess... So, I can hear you..?"

Castiel's heads seemed to nod along with the thought. **"You were being very stubborn Dean. I wasn't sure that it would work, that you would accept me."**

Dean in turn frowned. "What the hell does that mean..? And can you come down here and say it? Because this? This is a little freaky dude.."

There was barely time to blink before Castiel was standing in front of him, back in Jimmy's body. The last time he had seen it, it had been an empty corpse in a ditch. Dean scrambled to his feet quickly and grabbed Castiel in a tight hug. "It's good to see you man.."

Cas didn't hug back per se, but he did lean into the touch more than Dean was expecting. "Healed me too huh?" he felt the angel nod against him. "Thanks for that. Now Sammy?"

\----

Sam slowly let go of his head, the noise was over and the light had died down. He grabbed hold of the edge of the car, pulling himself to his feet despite the glass embedding itself in his skin. As he looked at his palm, he realized that there wasn't just glass in his hand, there were also stones and splinters from the trees that had been annihilated by what he guessed was the power of Castiel's true form.

The younger Winchester surveyed the damage in quiet awe, this was his friend. This was what the angel was capable of and both he and Dean had purposely tried to piss this off. The trees that were surrounding the impala were flattened into the ground, some snapped from the pressure, others with their roots pulled along for the ride. He didn't even notice when his brother was right behind him until he was gathered into a hug.

"Jesus Sammy, don't scare me like that.." Dean mumbled into his shoulder, his grip as tight as it ever had been on any of the occasions that one of them had come back from the dead. If he hadn't known better he would say that Dean was on the verge of crying.

"Shouldn't that be my line?" the younger brother grumbled with a laugh, pulling Dean tighter against him, despite the wounds in his hands, it was great to have Dean back and he wouldn't let go just yet.

"I apologize Sam.." Castiel's voice urged before there was a hand placed against his shoulder and all the cuts had disappeared.

"No man, thank you! Cas, thank you." Sam turned, pulling the angel into the second hug he had received in the last five minutes. An awkward silence followed before they separated, the impala's windscreen back in place along with all her windows and re-inflated tires. "So, what happened?" Sam enquired, leaning back against the impala's hood.

"Nothing much, the usual." Dean had replied, perching himself next to his brother on the hood of his baby. Dean's hands were starting to tremble now that the worst of it was finally over, but he stubbornly pushed them into his jeans, willing them to still. "It's just- Nice to see you guys again, you know?"

Dean wrapped an arm about his brothers body and shook him a little, like he was testing that this was real. "Just nice to see you." The elder Winchester looked between his brother and the angel and nodded, content with what he found.

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter was written in 2012 (September/November time), Second was in 2013. Also my first Spn work. Hope you like it so far


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